It can sometimes be a difficult ask trying to find someone to sit and help on the flight deck with you. Especially at the last minute. What I find very distressing though, is that a number of experienced pilots are taking the easy way out. They are simply asking four legged companions to share the ride and handle cockpit tasks. To combat this growing trend, I have compiled a handy list of the top 11 reasons that this practice should be avoided. Enjoy….and fly safe.
Right rudder, RIGHT DAMMIT!
1. Smell
Goats smell. Lets face it. Enclosed space, lack of oral hygiene and unwashed matted hair won’t end well (….in fact this rules out a few human co-pilots too)
2. Radio Calls
“Traffic Wudinna, this is Alpha Foxtrot Br..BBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
3. Dexterity
Goats, like most hoofed (hooved, hoven?) animals, lack an opposable thumb(s). This means they are unable to pull on cabin heat if things get cold in the cockpit. But really, would you want it warm in there? See #1.
4. Horns
If you happen to be flying in a larger aircraft with switches and buttons above your head, goat horns could indadvertedly activate them. Thats why you don’t see pilots wearing foam-domes in the cockpit, see #6.
“I know Flickr says you are a good pilot, but I still need to see your licence…”
5. Bad puns
Goats are only associated with terrible (read: fantastic) Dad jokes.
e.g. “what do you call an unemployed goat?” “Billy Idol”
6. Soberity
The rule in aviation is “8 hours bottle to throttle” Not all goats follow this:
7. IT’S A GOAT!
As above
8. CASA licensing
Unfortunately the aviation regulatory body is pretty strict when it comes to quadruped livestock flight crew. I can’t remember which CAO covers it, but I know they frown upon non-humans in the cockpit. See the ‘Blow-up Doll at 37,000 feet incident of 1967.’ <no footage found>
9. Medical clearance
Unfortunately some goats suffer from Myotonia Congenita. Do you want your co-pilot seizing up on short final because someone with waving a colourful umbrella at them? You might also want to check on how that person got into the cockpit.
10. Annoyance
They can really get at your goat. See #5.
11. <Insert title here>
Are you still reading this? It wasn’t absurd or meta enough already?? Seriously?!
